Murphy's Bachelor in Paradise Blog Episode 1 - What Happens at Stagecoach

It's the premiere of your favorite Summer guilty pleasure and it's a parade of runners-up and who-the-hells. People like Cam, from Hannah's season, whose rap intro makes me long for a serenade from Jed. He's hated immediately (rightly so) when he shows up on the beach. Jane, who I thought enough of to put in my Top 5 during Colton's season, but she left very early. She also is playing up the fact that she likes tacos and/or hot sauce, so much that producers got her to brush her teeth with hot sauce in her intro package and I can't imagine anything grosser. This love of tacos comes up so much it simply has to pay off down the line (spoiler prediction: it won't). Nicole, famous for crying during Colton's season, I guess(?) and my front-runner for the new Ashley I. And it wouldn't be paradise without Demi ("from Demi's season") who is now also into women, a revelation that would require Luke P. to self-flagellate if he heard it and simply must pay off down the line (spoiler: it will).

Hannah G., who Colton jumped a fence to get away from, is the first on the beach. She's soon met by Blake, who came very close to proposing to Becca K. They do tequila shots, one of which has to put a woman the size of Hannah G. (see: the size of Bo Peep from Toy Story) on her butt.

So many people show up I could probably just start making up names and you'd believe they were on a previous season. Let's try. Wills. ... Yep. He's real and he has hair like Mugatu from Zoolander now. Kevin. ... Another real one apparently from Hannah's season who wants to talk to every woman "in-depthfully." Abraham. ... OK, that one's fake. McKenzerlie ... Fake. John Paul Jones. ... Fake. In Mexico, he is now Juan Pablo Jones. He shows up in a speedo and his doofus surfer vibe is fun immediately. Onyeka (Colton's season) thinks his dumb exterior might be hiding some deep personality (IT ISN'T).

The drama starts to mount when Annalise shows up and has it out for Clay because he supposedly ended things badly with her friend Angela (another totally real former contestant). Then Caelynn shows up and REALLY brings the drama. Apparently she had a thing going with Blake and when she shows up he turns tail and hides.

With approx. 85 people on the beach, Chris Harrison shows up to lay out the rules of the game (I'm guessing sexual consent forms have already been signed) and let the guys know they have the roses in week one.

Annalise starts C-Blocking Clay right away, saying he's not ready to be there. Nicole, like the rest of Bachelor Nation, isn't buying it. Caelynn holds her tongue when everyone is talking up Blake, who ends up with the first date card. He picks Tayshia instead of Hannah G. as everyone predicted. Blake and Tayshia (official nickname: Blayshia) have a date in the Christmas light aisle of a Lowe's, and share hot tub smooches between surface-level relationship convos.

Back at the Beach, our hero WELLS finally shows up and Caelynn spills the beans to the bartender. She and Blake hooked up at a music fest called Stagecoach. The next morning, when Caelynn was still in bed, he's DMing with Hannah G. and he tells Caelynn he hooked up with (former contestant and Russian import) Kristina the very night before. Then he told Caelynn they should both lie about everything when they get to paradise. Caelynn says if it comes up, she's going to come clean.

Hey, whaddaya know! It comes up when Caelynn brings it up and tells Onyeka her side of the story. Onyeka is now firmly NOT on Team Blake. I'll be darned. It comes up again when Caelynn brings it up to Sydney (she of the nonsensical innuendo, i.e. "whack my weeds).

One more contestant shows up on the beach with date card in tow: Kristina. She and Blake seem to have a much better relationship than Blake and Caelynn, even though Kristina knows all about their hookup the night after she and Blake. So it doesn't seem too weird when Kristina she coolly picks Blake for a date. But, unbeknownst to Blake, Kristina lets on in a one-shot that this won't be an ordinary date... it's a REVENGE DATE! dun dun dunnnnnn....

Other hookups of note:

Demi and Derek (who got engaged last season on BiP, but evidently wasn't emotionally intelligent enough for Taylor)

Dylan and Hannah G. (He seems ready for her to meet the parents!)

And Cam won't stop having imaginary children with every woman he talks to.

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