I'm super late blogging today, so this may be a shorty. For me that means around 1,000 words though probably.
Before the men get to telling all, we pick up in the aftermath of the massacre (of Luke's heart) in Greece. We still have three dudes and two roses to give out! Except, no, Luke is in a van on his way to the Rose Ceremony despite being kicked off last week. He is still telling Hannah exactly what to think. Stuff like, "Hannah thought she [said, did, thinks this] but she's mistaken" and "She's never told me she loves me but I know she loves me." He even has a ring. You didn't have anything to do with this, did you, Niel Lane!? Say it ain't so!
The guys have no idea what happened on Hannah's last date with Luke so they think nothing of it when he shows up and gets in line. Chris Harrison lies directly to Hannah's face saying there's three guys in there when he knew damn well that Luke didn't slip past security and is standing there with no intervention.
Hannah is flabbergasted when she walks into the ceremonial grotto. She doesn't want to hear anything he has to say, nor should she. But, Luke says he needs clarity and/or closure. Hannah says, WHO CARES? She has closure and it's not about Luke. The word narcissistic is aptly thrown in.
Luke says he's not moving until he gets his say. In a series best of moment, Hannah picks up the entire rose pedestal and moves it away from him. At this point the guys are clued into the fact that Luke was sent home and start moving towards him, even pushing him away from the scene. Luke says, "Lay your hands off me," to which at least two other guys who are 8 inches taller than him say, "or what?"
Luke finally says to Hannah, "if you can look me in the eyes" and tell him it's over he'll leave. No problem for Hannah. So Luke leaves "on his terms" with his delusional self-confidence in tact.
Now it's time for the men to tell all, which really is just Luke on the hot seat for an hour or so. Chris asks him about the night he told Hannah he would want to leave if she's slept with anyone else during the show. Luke recounts a night that we definitely didn't see. Saying he merely ASKED if she did and Hannah asked him how he would react if she did and he said he would want to talk to her about it-What in the name of Bachelor Nation revisionist history fanfiction is this?
Chris asks Luke if he has any regrets and Luke says he wouldn't do anything differently.
As we come back from commercial Luke says he would do a lot of things differently. A man acted like this on TV last night. Luke does admit that he lied about the extent of his sideline confrontation with Luke S. and admitted malicious intent when he told Luke S. he would set the record straight with Hannah and didn't.
At one point a guy I'm told was on the season named Devin storms the stage and tells Luke there are two types of men, those that want an independent woman and those that want a women they can control to feel better about themselves. Guess what he thinks Luke is! Well, according to Luke, "A man is supposed to lead and guide in a relationship." Someone is really gunning for next season of Bachelor in Gilead!
The rest of the men come out to sit on their stools. Mike straight up calls Luke misogynistic and says "your wife will be a prisoner of you." Hey! How did Mike get a hold of Luke's wedding vows!?
Luke offers the rows of dudes a puppy-dog eyes apology, which is immediately rejected and is finally off the hotseat.
John Paul Jones takes the stage, gets an impromptu haircut from an audience member, announces he's coming to Bachelor in Paradise and throws platters full of chicken nuggets into the crowd.
Mike takes the stage and we're all supposed to call him Big Mike now.
Hannah finally joins the fray and says that her attraction to Luke probably came from being insecure about being the Bachelorette and Luke's intentions being clear immediately putting her at ease about not being rejected, leading to their relationship. She awesomely lays into Luke about slut-shaming and says he's the only one who thinks the Fantasy Suites are all and only about sex. "You didn't get one so you don't know" they're about more than that, but it's the only thing Luke could focus on about them. Another red flag.
Luke walks out of the show and I'm assuming directly into next week's episode. The only thing giving me hope that we're done with him forever (except if they want him on BiP, that's fine!) is Hannah addresses the camera directly and apologizes to us for keeping Luke on TV for as long as she did. An apology that is resoundingly accepted.
Next week, the EPIC two-night finale, will it be Tyler, Peter or Jed? (Spoiler: She picks Luke)