It's time for Fantasy Suites with an unheard of FOUR dudes and we're off to Greece, the home of windmills(???).
Peter hits lead-off again this week and he and Hannah go sailing. The do the requisite Titanic pose and yell that they are King (and Queen!) of the World, which is still so funny even 12 years later. (Hannah B. was 3 when Titanic came out, btw.) As they dry hump on the decks while a working sailing crew tries to tie jibs and batten hatches, Peter drops the most meaningful thing any couple can say to each other in this day and age: "You'd be the screensaver on my phone forever." Jeez! It's only week 9! Slow down, Pete!
That night, Peter knows he does have to drop the L bomb and it's coming down to the wire. Because as viewers we know it REALLY should have happened at hometowns and No Lovey, No Suitey. He winds up to fire one across the bow, but ends up in false start after false start. So..... At hometowns blah blah blah... I....... So when we were flying blah blah. He finally says it. Kinda. What he actually says is, "I realize how in love with you I am." OK, the three words are IN there, but it could be "not at all" or "a smidgen." He tries again: "I love Hannah! Yes!" OK, but this is Hannah B. It's enough that does open Chris Harrison's trademark Fantasy Suite invitation at which point Peter FINALLY says, "I love you." I felt like a flight attendant doing the exit row spiel waiting for that. "I need an audible, 'yes.'"
So, it's off to the FS, which seems to be a BLANKING WINDMILL! We've been expecting you, windmill. Along with dessert, there's a chest of goodies the pair look through that includes a condom. Which if you've read anything about The Bachelor behind the scenes, you know is a good first step for producers. Or just a cheeky reference to the condom in Peter's console last week. Let's hope there was more than one in there, too. More on that later.
The next morning, Peter calls it the greatest night of his life. Hannah calls him Zeus and herself Aphrodite. Zeus' wife was actually Hera and Aphrodite was one of his side pieces, but who's keeping track. (My kids have been watching Disney's Hercules nonstop.) They both agree they've taken the relationship to the next level.
Tyler's date is up next. I finally have to ask, what is up with his bro-country gangsta vibe. He's always saying stuff like, "Whut up, ma gurrrrrl?" Anyway, they get a couples massage which turns into Tyler massaging every part of Hannah's body with his body.
That night, Hannah is concerned that there's isn't more to their relationship than their obvious physical chemistry. She tells Tyler their relationship doesn't need Fantasy Suite sex right now. Tyler is visibly disappointed. He tells Hannah that the FS is way more than sex. It's about being together. He finally drops the L-bomb too. Since Hannah's sex ban didn't faze him, they accept the FS invite and spend the night on a yacht, with nary a windmill in sight .The next morning Tyler says they kept it in their respective pants and just hung out all night and talked. Hannah is a little more forthcoming with details saying they'd be making out and Tyler would just stop. She says he's the most respectful man she's ever been with. Now that we're two dates in Hannah starts to get emotional as she considers the decision she'll have to make soon.
On Jed's date, they attend a family gathering in a quaint Greek hamlet. They dance, the drink something a big Greek man calls "Greek Viagra," and Hannah is grilled by aw Greek Kardashian on how her decision is coming along. Hannah says people fall in love in different ways. Jed pulls Hannah aside to talk about Luke ooooooooone more time. He gives a variation on a speech that is no stranger to Bachelor Nation, the "If you like him and you like me, I don't like you." But, he's more diplomatic about it saying, how can you be so amazing and consider being with someone like him? And whatever her decision he doesn't want her to get hurt. And if you're this close to finding a husband, what makes you hold on to something so uncertain. All great points, to which the only thing Hannah can say is she has a "feeling" and she's seen a side of Luke the dudes haven't seen.
Later, Jed is even more honest saying, being with Luke says a lot about Hannah's decisions keeping someone around who has been so toxic to her process.Then he hits her with the fact that he's worried she can't let go of things that aren't good for her, which causes him to pull back. Hannah says, he doesn't have to say anymore. But, Jed's on a roll! He lands a final, "I'm unsure" and Hannah gets mad and needs to take a lap. When she returns to the table, Jed reiterates that he just cares about her but he trusts her decisions and he'll always have her back. He hasn't screwed it up so bad that he doesn't get the FS. And, bonus, now they've been through a Bachelor patented "Tough Time" and their relationship is stronger for it, supposedly.
Jed too calls it the best night ever.
Now for the main event. Luke and Hannah take a chopper to Santorini where they have a great time, as usual. Hannah says Luke is the best kisser, he's got the best eyes. What else do you need? Luke says he sees his future wife in Hannah.
At dinner, they toast to a great date. And it would've stayed great if Luke just shut up. But Luke can't just shut up. He has to keep talking until he ruins all of the groundwork he laid that day and destroys Hannah's mood. So he tell Hannah there's things I want for myself in my future wife that I want to be the way I want it. One of those things is about sex.
Sex, according to the book of Luke (P.) is beautiful only in a pure marital bed. Luke has reclaimed his virginity after abstaining for three or four years (who's counting? And are we counting mouth stuff?) Luke wants to make sure Hannah hasn't had sex with any of the other guys in the FS and if she has he'll want to go home. He says all of this like it's something completely normal to say to a person in a body that is not yours. Hannah is immediately irate. She tells Luke you are not my husband, you have no right to judge me and stop trying to pass off your weird pride hangup about being the only one to nail me as part of your religion. Luke begins his usual backpedal, saying he's willing to work through it if she has fantasied in the suite. Hannah says there's nothing to work through. Luke keeps digging his grave saying if she "slipped up" once he'll understand, but if she got it on with all four of them, "I'm out of here." "Slip up" of course is from the same page of Luke as when he said he understood that Hannah made a "bonehead mistake" going naked bungee jumping.
Hannah is spitting mad. She said she ignored so many of Luke's red flags for how she feels and she's over looked them. Stuff like not getting along with people, anger issues, being too proud. Now, Luke's only X is if she's slept with anybody else and if she has it's, goodbye? Luke backpedals again, saying if it's only one slip up, that's fine! (Does he not hear what words he says?)
Hannah's eyes are open. She's given the relationship all of her effort and finally has the clarity she was looking for. She straight up says, "I do not want you to be my husband. Can I walk you out?" Luke won't budge, even though Hannah said the magic words. He says, "You owe me" in typical entitled fashion. He tells her she doesn't have clarity. Wow. Who would expect Luke to tell a woman what she thinks. He won't get in the limo, so Hannah pulls out some other magic words. "I ------ed in a windmill." Luke: "Say what?" Hannah: "Twice." Luke: "May I pray over you before I go?" Is that Luke's nice way of saying he's ordered an exorcism for the free-thinking woman that claims dominion over her body?
Hannah says, "Finally(!!!!!!!!) I figured it out for myself" and she'll never have to deal with Luke again. And Bachelor Nation said, "Thank God!"
Next week: Luke's back! (true.)